


Other Virtues

by fizzysplosion



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-22
Updated: 2011-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:52:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fizzysplosion/pseuds/fizzysplosion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this prompt on the kink meme:</p><p>"Mage Freedom is secondary, Justice's top priority is protecting the virtue of his darling daughter Anders. And he takes this task very seriously indeed. Justice jumping on everyone with accusations of having impure thoughts about Anders, with Anders either oblivious or totally embarrassed. 100 internets for Justice being aggressively skeptical of Sebastian's vow of chastity, and/or "DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE HOW YOU LOOK AT HIM" to Fenris ("Mages must be watched" "A LIKELY STORY. I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU BOY"). Any protests should be met with "AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ANDERS?" listing his accomplishments etc.<br/>Is Justice seeing things, or are his suspicions correct? I don't care, I just want lulz!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Other Virtues

**Title:** Other Virtues  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Pairing:** None.  
 **Word Count:** 1, 466  
 **Warnings:** Crack/humour. Justice decides to protect Anders' chastity.

 **Other Virtues**

 _You're not going out in that, are you?_

Anders sighed. Justice's tone of voice implied he was wearing a set of nipple tassels and a thong when in fact he was wearing a simple tunic and hose. "It's a hot day, Justice. Even my eyebrows are sweating. If I wear my coat I'll melt."

 _That's no excuse for dressing like a hussy._

"A hussy?" Anders repeated, incredulously. "Every square inch of me is covered up!" He waved the too-long sleeves. "You can't even see the backs of my hands."

 _It's a very thin cloth. You can see your nipples through it._

"So what? I'm a man! I could walk around shirtless if I wanted to."

 _You will not walk around shirtless!_

"It is awfully hot..."

 _I will not allow it._

"The tunic it is then."

*****

"Well, look at you," Isabela said, when Anders ducked into the Hanged Man with the vague notion of trading stories with Varric. "And look at what you've been hiding under all those feathers."

Anders frowned at her. "Eh?"

"Those muscles, dearest, and that chest hair. It's not quite up to Varric's standard but I wouldn't say no to a fondle."

 _I told you going out dressed like a floozy was trouble._

"Can I touch it?"

Justice seized control of his body before Anders could respond. "NO YOU MAY NOT, WENCH. AVERT YOUR EYES AND KEEP YOUR DISTANCE."

Isabela grinned. "You chose to climb inside a very pretty body. I take it you don't want company."

"NONE OF YOUR FOUL IMAGININGS. BEGONE."

Isabela blew a kiss and returned to the bar. Justice relinquished control.

"What's gotten into you?" Anders said.

*****

Hawke burst into Anders' clinic. He burst everywhere. It was really a surprise that he didn't tear more doors off their hinges.

"I'm injured!" he announced.

"You look fine to me," Anders said. "Fine enough to pay for that door when you eventually take it off."

Hawke plonked himself down on the table in front of Anders, which trembled at the weight of all that muscle and broadsword. He stripped off his upper body. There was a long slash across his chest.

"All right- PUT THAT BACK ON. DON'T EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ANDERS."

 _Justice! Give me back my body! He needs healing._

Hawke gawped at him. "I haven't exposed myself! Oh- It's just my chest, Justice. He has one too. A very nice one, in fact. I wonder why I haven't seen it before..."

 _Oh dear._

"STOP CORRUPTING MY ANDERS WITH YOUR MUSCLES AND THAT BIT OF HAIR ABOVE YOUR WAISTBAND HE KEEPS STARING AT. ANDERS IS A GOOD BOY, HE DOESN'T WANT ANY OF YOUR WILES."

"My wiles? I assure you, Anders is as safe as he wants to be with me."

"I AM WATCHING YOU, TEMPTRESS."

Anders came back to himself blushing deeply. "Right," he said, with a warning look at Hawke that did not encourage discussion. "Let's get that wound sorted."

*****

"I'm glad you're being more covert," Aveline said, when Anders met her patrol in Hightown. "Really, those feathery pauldrons were fooling no one. Although I wish you'd do something about the staff. It's really very hard to tell the templars you're not a mage with a straight face when you're waving that around."

"I can't very well leave it behind. You know the kind of trouble we're always getting into."

"I suppose that's fair. The tunic and pants are a step up, though. Robes are-"

"LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, DO YOU?"

Aveline strongarmed the glowing man into a side street. "Balls! Anders, you can't glow like that when I'm in the middle of telling you to be more discrete."

"DRAGGING HIM INTO AN ALLEY NOW, ARE WE? EXPECTING TO HAVE YOUR FILTHY WAY WITH HIM, NO DOUBT?"

Aveline's face was a picture. Anders almost wanted to laugh. Almost.

"Justice, I presume."

"THAT IS CORRECT, FLAME-HAIRED MINX."

"Well, Justice," Aveline thrust her ring finger in Anders' face. "I am married and if you ever accuse me of even considering being unfaithful again, I'll punch Anders so hard it knocks you back into the Fade. Understood?"

Anders fought for control. Aveline's threats were not to be taken lightly. "Understood, ma'am."

"Good."

*****

Varric laughed and poured another glass of wine. He looked across at Anders' glass of water. "'Sure I can't tempt you, Blondie?"

"I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO."

Varric cocked an eyebrow. "I don't believe we've met."

"YOU'RE TRYING TO GET HIM DRUNK, AREN'T YOU? TRYING TO GET HIM TO LOSE HIS INHIBITIONS."

"Blondie's under a lot of stress. I'm just trying to get him to loosen up a bit."

"LOOSEN? ARE THERE NO DEPTHS TO WHICH YOUR DEPRAVITY WON'T SINK? YOU WILL NOT GET AT THIS BODY WHILE I INHABIT IT, DWARF. AND COVER UP THAT CHEST HAIR. IT'S INDECENT."

"Ever get the feeling you've missed something?""

*****

Merrill ambled up to Anders when he was buying supplies in Lowtown. "Oh hello," she said. "You look less feathery than usual. Is it the heat?"

Anders looked at Merrill to find she'd changed her attire too. She was wearing a skirt. Her long, slender legs were milky white in the sun.

"PUT THOSE AWAY."

"Put what away?" Merrill said.

"YOUR LEGS."

"I can't put those away, silly. They're attached to me. You're Justice then, are you? I met a spirit in the Fade once too."

"YOU ARE LEADING ANDERS' MIND TO SINFUL PLACES."

"Am I? That doesn't sound like me. I'm always getting lost."

Justice gave up and retreated. _We have nothing to fear from this one._

*****

The others tended to take it upon themselves to guard the squishy mage on his way home, no matter how much Anders protested he didn't need it. Tonight, Hawke had volunteered Sebastian.

"Perhaps you should move somewhere safer than Darktown?" Sebastian suggested.

"Like where? Darktown's the worst off place in Kirkwall. If I move out, it'll be a mass grave before long."

"Lowtown? And then you can at least sleep safely. Then you go to Darktown during the day."

"WHY DOESN'T HE JUST MOVE INTO YOUR BED?"

Sebastian's heels almost sparked as he ground to a halt. "Excuse me?"

"I KNOW WHAT YOUR KIND DOES TO MAGES."

"I have never hurt a mage!"

"YOU ENGINEERED THIS ENCOUNTER SO YOU COULD BE ALONE WITH HIM. ADMIT IT!"

"I was making sure Anders got home safely. A kindness you should be grateful for."

"A KINDNESS TO YOUR CROTCH."

"What in Andraste's name are you talking about? My crotch! I have taken a vow of chastity and even if I had not, Anders and I are not even friends."

"A RUSE TO LULL HIM INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. I HAVE HEARD YOUR HINTS OF A LIFE OF WHORING. I HAVE FELT HIS REACTION TO IT."

"Oh Dear Maker, I cannot believe I'm having this conversation."

Anders finally won back control. "Nor can I," he said. "Let's just walk in total silence the rest of the way, eh?"

*****

"Abomination," Fenris greeted.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

 _Oh bloody hell, Justice. You're going to get me killed if you don't stop this._

"I believe you have adequately illustrated what I meant by that."

"YOU WERE COMING ON TO HIM. ADMIT IT!"

"I was-" Fenris' eye twitched. "I was what?"

"I HAVE HEARD ABOUT THESE LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS. DON'T THINK YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO START ONE."

"This is a purely hate-based relationship."

"SO YOU ADMIT THERE'S A RELATIONSHIP! DON'T THINK I DON'T NOTICE WHEN YOU PRESENT YOUR REAR FOR HIM TO STARE AT."

 _I am going to be executed._

"You had better hope your demon keeps protecting you, mage. Keep your eyes off my rear!"

Fenris stormed away from him. Anders very carefully kept his eyes above the waist.

*****

"All right," Anders finally exploded. "What? What is it? Why are you acting completely insane?"

 _I feel you should be aware of the less than honourable intentions of your companions._

"Even if that weren't a fabrication of whatever madness this is, they've been my companions for a while. Why are you acting like this now?"

 _I found some reading materials on human mating rituals. If you are not going to heed my warnings, then I must educate you._

"What?"

 _When a man and a woman love each other very much. Or a man and a man, as you clearly have an eye for both. They decide to do something very special._

"This isn't happening. This can't be happening."

 _The man and woman, or man and man, each remove each other's clothes._

"I'm not here. I'm on a beach."

 _Then they retrieve the special apparatus._

"Wait, what?"

 _A mouth bit and a small to medium gerbil._

"Justice, this reading material you found. Was it anywhere in the vicinity of Isabela?"

 **End.**


End file.
